The Little Things

I think about my future. A lot. Many people do, especially when they are in college. They think about their careers and their education and their families and more. But when I think about the future, I tend to think about the little things.

Instead of envisioning my wedding, my fantasies gravitate toward what I believe will be the typical day of my marriage. I picture me and my husband laying in bed as we fall asleep or discussing our day while preparing dinner or getting dressed in the mornings before we go off to work. Instead of thinking about the birth of my children, I think about a pretty normal interaction with them. Us playing together in the backyard or me pushing them down the street in the stroller or even them arguing with me. Instead of imagining how I would feel winning the Noble Prize, I think about normal lab/professor interactions. Me listening to graduate students share their progress or me sitting in my office writing a grant or me preparing lecture for the next week.

The things that I think about are probably the most monotonous parts of anyone's life. Why should I fantasize about the ordinary, the hum dum, the daily routine, when so many other people focus on the extraordinary, the WOW!, the once-in-a-lifetime? I've come to realize that the ordinary stuff is what makes up most of our lives. Yes the exciting stuff makes for fun stories and can give great personal motivation. But the majority of our time is spent in routines. If you don't enjoy the routine, you often won't enjoy your life, even with those occasional WOW! moments.

I try to make those routines something wonderful, something to look forward to, something that is worthy of a fantasy. Otherwise, I fear I will not enjoy my future.

New York!

Good job New York!

Time traveling through the blogosphere

Lately, I had the revelation that time existed before I was born. This seems like a rather obvious concept. But who really stops and acknowledges that there was a world years ago, one that is just as bustling and busy and wonderful as our world is today? Filled with ordinary people, just going about their day and living their lives, just like we do right now?

Specifically, I had this revelation while reading the CoCreateUMBC blog (one of my favorites). I was going through the old posts and looking at the dates they were written. I reached a point where the blog posts were written before I had started at UMBC and for some reason, I was amazed the campus existed before I got there. Since UMBC didn't exist (for me) until summer 2008 when I started summer bridge, I felt as if it shouldn't have existed for anyone at all either.

Maybe it's been all the Doctor Who I have been watching lately (finished 5 seasons of the new series in the span of a week), but reading the blog posts that pre-date my time here make me feel like I'm time traveling a bit. Like I'm a quiet observer in the history of this school, watching fixed points in time happen before my eyes. In particular, I like the CoCreateUMBC blog because it's not just facts and figures about the school. It's a first-hand account of the things that have happened at UMBC (as well as wonderful insights about life). The personal nature of the blog makes me feel like I really was at campus back then, even though I hadn't heard about UMBC at the time.

Some quotes and thoughts

Pretty Little Liars is normally just my guilty pleasure. But last night's episode had not one, but two, amazingly wonderfully deep quotes.

"it's amazing how much damage can be done when you have nothing but good intentions."

"you must give up the life you had planned in order to live the life that is waiting for you."

The first reminds me that have the best of intentions usually isn't enough. I really need to think through my actions and see if my plan is the best way to go about something.

The second reminds me that I shouldn't become too attached to my plans. While I may have great plans, life doesn't always go that way. Instead of focusing on the fact that my plans have gone awry, I should embrace the goodness of whatever life has in store for me.

In a bad place

I just want to graduate and make friends that have nothing to do with you.

Graduate school... what?!

So I have been slowly starting to look at graduate school programs. The more I look, the more terrified I become. As one of my friends pointed out, you take pretty much the same classes at any school for undergrad. But that's not true for graduate school. It's not just classes that I need to look at. I have to consider the research that is being done as well. Out of the hundreds (or thousands?) of biomedical engineering research projects being done right now, I have to select one that I want to do for the next five years. Plus, I have to consider the city that I will be living in. The cost of living, the vibe of the area, availability of public transportation, the local food, etc.

Does anyone else think this sounds like an INSANE idea?! I'm trying to decide my entire future... from a few webpages. I wouldn't pick my husband just by looking at a webpage, why should I do so little for a graduate school? It's basically like picking a life partner.

This is such an overwhelming process. Right now, I have a long list of graduate programs all over the country, with a strong preference for the mid Atlantic area (hey, I actually kind of like this area). I'm trying to narrow it down to 15 schools (with an eventual goal of 8)... but what if I pick the wrong ones? What if I eliminate the perfect graduate school program for me? What if the perfect program is far away from home? What if I'm not really interested in the topics I think I'm interested in? What if I can't handle being in a non-diverse environment again (UMBC's diversity has spoiled me so much)? What if the school I pick just... isn't right for me?

So many questions! But at the very least, I have people to help me with this next big step. I have never been so grateful for the M staff in my entire life.

Note to God

When God tells you to do something, He will find a way to bring that thing up in your life. Lately, He has been pushing me in a certain direction. I was hesitant initially and tried to reason my way out of it.

"Oh, I'm not sure how to get started." He had not one, not two, but three completely different people tell me about it.

"Oh I might not have time." He made sure I'd have time next year.

"I don't think I'm qualified." The detailed description included the exact talents that I have.

God, You're tricky. Sorry for not listening to You earlier. But I'm on it!

Lingo

If I were ever to be on TV, I'd want to be on Lingo. Seriously trying to figure out how I can be on the show. My first choice partner would probably be my mom (she is so good when we play at home!).

Something positive

My last post was so depressing, I figured I'd write something happy to combat the negative vibe. Here's a set of quotes that have really inspired me lately:

"You might feel worthless to one person, but you are priceless to another. Don't ever forget your value."

"Don't let your successes go to your heard and your failures go to your heart."

"Don't be just acceptable, be exceptional."

"No sacrifice, no success."

I hope they do the same for you!

Result of a Broken Heart

As upset as I can get with some people, there have been only two people in my life that have actually broken my heart. One was my best friend, the other was my boyfriend. As I compare the two, I realize they both broke my heart for the same reason: I cared about them and our relationship far more than they did. In both scenarios, the other person made me happy. I am a complex person with a lot of different aspects in my life, but I connected with these people in a multi-dimensional way. We had a relationship that I didn't share with anyone else and I treasured that.

In the first case of my best friend, I saw our friendship struggling and tried to save it. I tried to engage her in my life and be a part of hers. But she had moved on months earlier and had no intentions of actually continuing our friendship. She pushed me away when I tried to get close. After a while, I just stopped trying to fix things. To this day, I still don't understand what I did to her to make her not like me anymore.

In the second case of my boyfriend, I didn't know anything was wrong. He told me he was happy with our relationship. Since I saw nothing wrong, I saw no need to change anything. Then one day, he decided I wasn't worth his time and he left. To make matters worse, he didn't tell me why exactly he left, leaving me to get creative with his possible reasons. I managed to create so many new insecurities about myself that I was (and still am) convinced that I am unlovable. The people who do love me just don't know me that well.

Having the two closest relationships in my life end in almost the same way (the person ending it without giving me a reason why) has really skewed the way I think. I am convinced that my friends/boyfriends actually hate me and are looking for a way out of the friendship/relationship. I don't think I can open up to anyone ever again and, as a result, I internalize all of my pain.

So this is where I am emotionally and have been for months. I want to get closer to people, but my past hurts are preventing me from doing so. I don't know how to fix this.

UMBC Bucket List

Seriously, this is stuff that I am determined to do by time I graduate (hopefully by the end of next semester).

- Drink at Flat Tuesday's

- Go to New York and do the trip right (i.e. the whole weekend)

- Go to Sonic

- Eat at Carolina Kitchen w/ my southern freshmen

- Explore Old Ellicott City

- Have a potluck w/ my peeps

- Go to a shooting range

- Do a cancer/charity walk

- Do an ASB

- Be interviewed for a Real People profile

- Get on a cover of a course catalog

- Attend at least one event a month that I have never been to

* Sports game

* Play/musical/recital

* STRIVE/LATTE

* NSBE conference

Thoughts on my mind

I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind recently (hence two blog posts in a row). Here's a brief summary.

1. My relationship with God is starting to feel more real. It's definitely not strong, but what we have right now is due to what I want, not what anyone else expects of me. Truly owning my relationship with Him for the first time in my life is worth the struggle.

2. I am incredibly needy. But instead of trying to fix my neediness, I don't acknowledge it, which further exacerbates the problem.

3. I can't coast on my diversity anymore. Being a black, female engineering major doesn't excuse my laziness.

4. I love my family. I didn't realize how blessed I am, having 2 parents that are still married, siblings that I get along with and no kids of my own.

5. If I can't see the good in myself, how can I expect others to see the good in me?

6. My phone is sweet.

7. It's been nearly a year and a half, yet I am in a worse place emotionally and mentally.

8. I can actually dress nice... when I want to. It just takes effort on my part.

Legacy

A few weeks ago, one of the members of Perfected Praise talked about the legacy she wants to leave on this campus after she graduates. And it really got me thinking, what legacy would I have if I left right now? What legacy do I want to leave?

I realized that I wouldn't leave a strong legacy at this point. There are no organizations I have created. No new traditions I have sponsored. Nothing I have done to this point has significantly impacted the campus in any way*. And I want to change that.

*Disclaimer: I know that I have been involved on campus and I'm not discounting that. I love the various groups I am a part of. But I feel like everything I've done has been started by someone else. I want something that is uniquely mine. I want to be able to come back to UMBC 5 years after I graduate and say "I helped create that new group."

Anyway, I've been thinking about the legacy I want to leave... and I keep being drawn back to one overarching goal: connecting students with current resources. UMBC has a LOT of stuff to offer. Whether it's finding the perfect job after graduation, an interesting extracurricular or support after an emotional crisis, UMBC has a program for pretty much anything. But many students don't know about all of these resources. Heck, it's my junior year and I am still discovering new resources on campus (like UMBC Serves). I want to somehow help these students find these resources early on.

As a subset of this main goal, there are a number of areas where I feel I could get involved.

1. SGA. In particular, there are some initiatives that I would love to be involved with, especially the planning of.

2. Voices Against Violence. I read that a woman is most likely to face an assault during her first two months of college. That statistic really stuck with me and I'd love to do something that specifically addresses this problem.

3. Office of Student Life. I don't even know what exactly they do, but I figure they would be able to help me figure out where exactly I should be looking.

4. Student Blogger. I figure, what's the point in joining this new group or whatever if no one really knows? As a blogger, I can discuss my findings in a more official manner (instead of just word of mouth).

5. Peer advisor. I do it for Meyerhoff already. But there are a lot of talented, non-Meyerhoff students that should also be hearing this advice. I don't know what official student-to-student mentoring opportunities exist outside of Meyerhoff, but I wouldn't mind being involved in some.

6. Peer Facilitator. I'm actually really excited about this. I get the chance to interact with the new freshmen and tell them about UMBC. This is the perfect opportunity to tell them about these resources I am discovering.

But alas... my actual goal is so under-defined (I want to help students find what they are looking for) that I don't know how to approach any of this places and say that I'm willing to help. I don't know the specific capacity that I want to work in. And there isn't really any area (aside from VAV) that I want to change. I just... want to change something.