Metablogging

I read an article about a series of blogs about wives who were cheating on their husbands. The article brought up some interesting points about why these women blog in the first place. I then went to read a few entries on one of those blogs; totally was not what I expected. Quite interesting.

But it lead me to a question: Why do people blog? What drives people to share details about their lives in such a public manner? Is it the (somewhat) anonymity? Is it the need to talk to anyone that will listen? Is it the belief that your view of life is unique? Is it a way to show a side of you that isn't normally seen? Is it a desire to fit in? Is it sheer boredom?

So why do you blog?

Hello there

The blog is back! And I have an idea for a new theme of my blog. But I can't execute it yet. Perhaps once school starts.

As sophomore year rapidly approaches, let's talk about my expectations/predictions!

1. I am going to reach my breaking point. For some reason, I am now involved in twice as many activities as I was last semester and I still want to add more.

2. I am going to relax when it comes to my future. I've realized that most people don't end up where they expect, so there's no point in planning out every single detail. Though it's difficult not to plan your life when you're constantly hearing talk about the future.

3. I am going to grow emotionally. I hope this never stops. And there's one particular thing that I think will really test my emotional growth (in a good way! yes? maybe? no? * worry *)

4. I am going to do something spontaneous, that I always wanted to do, but never did. I have an idea of what it is, but I may end up doing something else.

5. I am going to better understand my beliefs (and not just religiously). Hearing board might help with that, but I think just experiencing life will help me realize where exactly my moral compass lies.

Go sophomore year. =)

Reading, part II

exciting adventure of the day: reading.

I have forgotten what it's like to truly get caught up in a book. To be so engrossed in what you're reading, that simple necessary parts of life (like eating) lose their meaning. It's an amazing feeling when you find a book that can take you out of your life and plummet you into a new life. Every free moment is spent continuing with this story, so desperate to get to the end and know the answer, yet not wanting to the story to ever finish.

The proximity of anonymity

There are a lot of people in the world (I am far too lazy to look up the exact number). Most of the time, I never think about the lives of the billions (trillions?) of other humans on the planet. Instead I only focus on the lives of those around me.

But sometimes, the lives of the strangers around me impacts me. It usually happens when I hear them talk. Not necessarily in an eavesdropping way; I may only hear a sentence. But for those few moments, that person is no longer anonymous. They are no longer part of an ever-changing background; they have a body, a pulse, a voice, a soul. They are real, just like I am. Hearing that person often startles me. I am taken away from my small insignificant world and thrown into theirs, most of the time without them realizing it. It brings up so many questions for me. Who are they? Why are they here? Where are they going? What do they do? What is their name?

I feel...hurt that I will never know the answers to those questions. That I will never get to know that stranger. That despite the number of people I know, there will still be someone who I was around, but never even spoke to.

I'm a BIG kid now

Exciting adventure of the day: buying groceries.

Today was the first time I bought groceries. Not going to the store with my parents or picking up a few specific items that I needed. I had to buy the most basic things: milk, bread, cereal, etc. Stuff I have grown accustomed to always having around. It was an interesting experience. With the knowledge I have literally nothing to eat back in my room, I tried to think of what I needed. So many questions arose. Will I actually eat this, or let it sit around? What is reasonably healthy? Is this within my price range? What portion size should I buy? Can I make more than one dish with this? Is there enough space in the fridge for this?

It was exciting. And eye-opening. I always take the presense of food for granted. I frequently buy snacks, but never basic food. I really never think about where it comes from or the fact that it is replaced or that it costs money. I now understand why people get those super market reward cards and take the time to clip coupons and make grocery lists beforehand. It's a rather simple task, but to have to do it for yourself can be incredibly difficult.

Alcohol and lab meetings

Exciting adventure of the last two days: meeting my PI and the post-doc I'm working with.

My lab environment is very relaxed. People play music, make jokes, go to happy hour. Everyone is on a first name basis. The projects are all very exploratory, rather than results based. The biggest shock for me has been the lab meeting. The presentation was silly, but informative (there were Care Bears involved). There were donuts and beer. The PI made jokes with the presenter. Even when people criticized part of the research, it was a friendly "you ought to try this" sort of criticism.

This is in such stark contrast to my previous lab experience. Lab meetings were where you presented your research while the PI glared at you. Him saying nothng meant you did a great job. There was no noise except for the presenter. Even in the lab, this tense environment continued. People weren't really friends with each other. Everyone worked on their own project in their own corner. The only sounds were the low hum of running equipment, the quiet clalking of keys and occasional whispers between people.

I am quite excited for the summer. Even if my research sucks, at least I'll have a good time.

I can read a map?

Exciting adventure of the day: going from my lab to my dorm and not getting lost. I found the place where the shuttle goes, got on the right one and was able to figure out where my dorm was once I got back on campus. I am pleased with how quickly I am learning where things are.

Reading = <3

Exciting adventure of the day (for yesterday): going to the library. Well, one of MIT's multiple libraries.

The library I went to was AMAZING. Not that the library itself looks particularly outstanding besides its sheer number of books. But, the availability of books that appealed to me was amazing. Within two minutes of getting on the floor, I found a book I liked. Ten minutes later, I found another one of interest. After reading both of these for a while, I decided I wanted a murder mystery book. But this library knew what I was looking for long before I even got there. Instead of just wandering around blindly for hours on end then finally succumbing to the need to ask a librarian for help, I found an entire row of murder mysteries just 15 feet away from where I had originally started! I had barely explored that floor of the library and I found 4 books that appealed to every aspect of my personality. If I wasn't going out to dinner later that night, I would have stayed in that library for hours. And checked out even more books.

My love of reading has been renewed. I am taken back to the days of my middle school years, when I would read 2 or 3 books a week. Mostly due to the fact the school bus didn't stop near my house, so I had to wait at the library until my parents picked me up a couple of hours later (I finally discovered that I could ride the Metro bus for free in high school). After being reprimanded multiple times by the librarians for playing cards, I invested my time at the library into reading (it never really crossed my mind to do my homework).

Now this makes me wonder why UMBC's library doesn't appeal to my love of reading. I have spent a year there and checked out only one book for leisure. And even then, I knew the title of the book beforehand. I didn't have that experience of walking into the library and searching until something piqued my interest. Maybe its the covers of the books (books are like food - if it doesn't look appealing, I will not eat it, no matter how tasty/healthy it may actually be). Or the organization of the library (the library I went to had more open space on each floor; lots of chairs and couches and windows). But I have hope! Now that my love for reading is back, maybe I'll be able to find some fantastic books at UMBC. I already have a few new authors to check out.

My reading list:

Thank God for Evolution - a book of how science and religion do not have to be opposing forces, but can instead work together. Written for both the atheist who thinks religion is for people that are mentally unstable because they talk to the air, expecting something to happen and the devout Christian (and other people of faith) that thinks evolution was a hoax created by Satan to turn people away from God. And for people like me, the religious scientist who feels a little uncomfortable in both the scientific and the religious world. And everyone in-between!

The PMS Murder - lighthearted murder novel. I have realized it is one of a series, so if I find nothing else of interest to read this summer, I always have this author.

Biotechnology is Murder - murder novel. I haven't gotten very far in this yet, so this is my entire summary. The title is definitely interesting. Also part of a series.

The Woman Who Can't Forget - a memoir of a woman suffering from hyperthymestic syndrome (she remembers everything that's ever happened to her). Quite interesting; her memory isn't exactly what I expected. And she discusses other cases of people with super memory and how their memory is drastically different from hers.

My first day

I have fallen in love with Cambridge. Maybe it was the gorgeous weather, my gigantic room (not really, but very spacious for a single) or just all the stuff there is to do. But I love this city! It's so...alive. Vibrant. People everywhere, but not in an overcrowded sort of way. Being here stirs my inner explorer. If it wasn't for the harsh winters, I would very seriously consider moving here.

Exciting adventure of the day: first time eating at an Indian restaurant.

T minus 10 days - Summer plans

Stolen from my Facebook note.

This summer, I'm doing a research internship at Harvard. Short version of my research: I'm building a gene so that we can better understand how cells function. I'm leaving first weekend of June, coming back second weekend of August. This is not like last summer; I am allowed to use my phone and go on Facebook and have contact the outside world. But I still appreciate getting letters and birthday cards (hint hint). I'm not sure what my address is yet though. I am getting paid (yay!) and housing is provided (at MIT), but I have to pay for my own food. It's part of the Bioinformatics and Integrative Genomics program. (I am now officially an engineering major, but bioinformatics will always be my first scientific love)

I will be working in Dr Pamela Silver's lab in Harvard's medical school (http://sysbio.med.harvard.edu/faculty/silver/). The post-doc I will be working with is Dr Karmella Haynes (http://openwetware.org/wiki/User:Karmella_Haynes). I love her hair!

The rest of this note is technical information about my research.

The focus of the lab is to create rationally designed functions for eukaryotic cells (i.e. get such an awesome understanding of how cells work that we are able to mimic and predict the behavior of cells, specifically for cancer cells). To work on this, the lab has created memory devices for eukaryotic cells. The memory devices can be turned on by certain outside stimuli (galactose and doxycycline). I'll be working on modifying the gene so that its turned on by histone methylation.

Though there is a math modeling aspect to this project and I might end up working on that instead/in conjunction with the stuff up there I mentioned.

T minus 11 days - College

Now that grades are up, freshman year is officially over. Time for the reflection post.

The first year of college has come and gone. While a lot has happened and I could clearly ramble on for days about what my first year in college has been like (beads, nazi zombies, Doctor Who, buffalo, clickers, racist pictionary, etc), I instead will talk about my greatest joy, disappointment, surprise of freshman year and greatest fear for the rest of college.

Greatest joy: bonding with people. When else do stay up until 3 in the morning, just having random conversations with people? Or attempt to go to IHOP at midnight, only to find out it is closed? Or see actual buffalo on a buffalo farm? And I have a new group of Christian friends! Yay small group and Perfected Praise! The new people I've met and the old people I grew closer to really made this year interesting.

Greatest disappointment: my lack of volunteering. I used to LOVE volunteering for stuff. Most of it was just simple stuff (setting up chairs, folding programs, etc), but I liked it. In college, that volunteering spirit has become very scattered. I volunteer sometimes for blood drives and I tried being a conversation partner, but neither of those really worked out. And I do stuff for Meyerhoff, but that's usually just a couple of times per semester. What I really want is a meaningful project to commit to. I know the right project is out there waiting for me, but I'm not sure where/how to find it.

Greatest surprise: my super awesome grades and the relative sanity I still possess after achieving them. I don't remember the last time I had such a high GPA. I always thought that if I really focused on my grades, they would improve, but I would end up being one of those neurotic, grade obsessed students that lives in the library and does nothing but study. Thankfully, I am not. I have found a decent balance between school and fun. And even more surprising, I think I actually like math and physics now. Those used to be my two least favorite subjects. I hesitated with becoming an engineer due to all of the math and physics I would have to take. But now math and physics are...fun?

Greatest fear: I will graduate with a feeling of unfulfillment and regret. College is the time to try lots of new stuff. After college, life gets rather serious. I feel like college is the last time to go after all those weird things that I have a vague interest in, but never really pursued (like salsa dancing, sign language, study abroad...). And that if I don't try these things in college, I will never experience them and my life will be empty. Okay, this fear is slightly unreasonable. My life won't be empty if I never salsa dance. But I will always wonder how my life would be different if I had.

But I've got three to four more years to try as many new things as possible so that this fear does not come true. ^_^

Meyerhoff

I'm a Meyerhoff Scholar. The program has its ups and downs, but one thing that really bugs me is the stupid statements that people make about Meyerhoffs. Some of this rant is definitely due to my time spent in magnet, where people made even more ignorant statements.

"I get good grades, I should be a Meyerhoff." Do you want to go to graduate school and get a PhD? Do you want to do research as an undergrad? Are you even a STEM major? If the answer to any of these questions is no, then STFU. (If you answered yes to all these questions, consider being an affiliate) Being a Meyerhoff isn't just about getting good grades; doing scientific research is a HUGE aspect of it. It's what I'll be doing this summer. And next summer. And every summer after that. Not to mention I'll be working at least 10 hours a week in lab every single semester the rest of my undergraduate career. Then there's the whole doing-your-best--in-every-aspect-of-your-life thing.

"Hbraowski favors the Meyerhoffs." No duh, Meyerhoff is his brain child. When Meyerhoff was formed, he was the director. It is literally his dream in physical form. If your dream came true, wouldn't you care for it?

"Meyerhoffs are clique-ish." So is every other group on campus. Fraternities. Sororities. Ethnic clubs. Bands. Singers. Sports teams. Religious groups. Other scholarship kids. We don't even get our own designated housing. And we aren't nearly as clique-ish as people make us seem. We do talk to kids outside of Meyerhoff. Out of the 60ish people that are still in my cohort, I only actually talk to 15ish of them on a regular basis. The rest are just there.

"Oh my gosh, Meyerhoffs were caught drinking on campus!" Do you drink underage? If yes, STFU. Be glad you didn't have to be chewed out by the director of Meyerhoff. He's an intimidating man. If not, good for you. But still, would you care if it was another scholar, such as a Sherman scholar? No. You're the one that's putting Meyerhoffs on a high pedestal; don't be surprised when you find out that Meyerhoffs are just like other college students and make stupid mistakes. It's just that our stupid mistakes come at a higher price (literally tens of thousands of dollars).

"Of course you're smart, you're a Meyerhoff." What, there aren't smart people outside of Meyerhoff? No. If I wasn't a Meyerhoff, would I be any less intelligent than I am now? No. Meyerhoff doesn't make you smart; it makes you focused.

Meyerhoff isn't perfect; it's got some huge flaws. But my fellow M's are my family and I will defend them against anyone who attacks them (unless they are being idiots in which case they are on their own).

T minus 11 days - Black Hair

I was watching Tyra a few days ago and she was talking about hair and its role in the Black community. Made me think a lot. Based on the fact that none of my followers are Black, I guess I'll summarize the issue.

So the main issue is natural hair vs relaxed hair. Basically, relaxed hair is straight hair (like mine is now). Weaves would fall under relaxed hair, even though it's technically a different process. And natural hair is unstraightened hair (afros, dreadlocks, braids, etc).

Pro-natural/anti-relaxed arguments:
relaxed hair is giving into white society's expectation of us, trying to make us look like white society
relaxed hair makes us ashamed of our heritage
natural hair is healthier

Pro-relaxed/anti-natural arguments:
relaxed hair is easier to deal with
more likely to get a job/be considered professional

Then there's the issue of what is considered attractive and why. Some men like long, straight hair on women. Other prefer natural. Some don't care, just once the woman is beautiful.

And there's issues regarding where the term "good hair" (meaning straight hair) really comes from. Turns out "good hair" came from slavery times. Those with straighter hair were more likely to be house slaves rather than field slaves, like how lighter slaves tended to work in the house while dark slaves were in the fields.

At the moment, my hair is relaxed. Lately, I've been considering going natural (which would mean cutting off most of my hair). I think I will do it sometime before I graduate from college, but not right now. I've never had short hair, so I have no idea how I will look with it. And my natural hair is pretty difficult to take care of. But change can be good.

T minus 12 days - Church

Side note: Since I have a little less than 2 weeks until I go to Harvard, my blog posts will probably be just random topics. I guess once I leave, I will actually post about things that have happened to me.

I've gone to church nearly every week of my entire life (and probably every week while I was still in the womb when my mother wasn't on bed rest). Before college, the only reasons I had ever not been at church were the weather, illness or I was somewhere else where religious activities were taking place, sort of like a church substitute. Now, I haven't skipped church often while I've been in college. Only three times I believe (wow, I just realized I skip class more often than I skip church). But still, college marked the first time I ever skipped church just because I didn't feel like going.

Some would say, "Good for you, you're one of the few college students that maintains their relationship with God." But I've started to realize that church no longer impacts my relationship with God. It has become so much of a ritual. Get up relatively early on Saturday morning, shower, pick out a pretty dress, make sure my hair is acceptable to my mother, have a disagreement about wearing lip gloss (my hair always gets stuck to my lip when I wear lip gloss), go to Sabbath school where no one but the leader talks, sing some songs, collect offering, fall asleep during the sermon, say hi to everyone afterwards and go home where I feast upon home-cooked food.

Where is God in any of that? After church, I feel many different emotions. Happy. Hungry. Tired. Busy. Distracted. But none of these are about God. I usually walk out of church feeling the exact same way I did about God when I walked in.

Not that I blame church for not bringing me closer to God. Or think that it has no purpose. But I don't think church is working out for me and my personal relationship with God. I think it is a combination of the format, the time, the ritual aspects and the sense of weekly obligation.

Honestly, I learn so much better in my small group. I love our candid conversations. How we can admit confusion. Have disagreements about how we interpret passages. And praying for each other (it's my favorite part, aside from Galen's occasional baked goodies). If I could, I would much rather have a small group type Bible study every Saturday morning than go to church. When I'm able to sit down with my fellow believers (and even non-believers) and have a real talk about God, that's when I feel most connected to Him.

But that was not the way I was raised. When summer rolls around, my parents always ask about what I plan to do for church. This summer, my aunt's friend who lives close to Harvard will be taking me to church every week (as well as feeding me, which is super important because I don't get food this summer). I will try to keep an open mind. Maybe this will be the one church that I actually strengthens my relationship with God.

On a semi-related tangent, I've been asked to think about starting an Adventist ministry on campus. One thing I'm stuck on is what exactly would we do. There are a ridiculous number of Bible studies already on campus (IV has like 6 Bible studies, plus Gospel Choir, ANQ, Cru, ROCK, etc). So I've been playing with the idea of combining the not going to church thing with volunteering. Like taking that 4 hour block I would normally spend in church and volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter or something on campus. And then afterwards, have some bonding in Christ time (prayer! and maybe a Bible study?). But seeing as this is not tradition, I'm worried I would receive a lot of backlash and that no one would support me. Anyway, we'll see what happens with that in the fall.

T minus 13 days

13 more days until I move into my new room. mindy suggested i make a blog to tell of my EPIC adventures. so...yay. it brings back memories of xanga. i hope i am not as angsty as i was back then. i hopefully will remember to update this.

ps - i have a shiny new phone. though it frequently blinks, making me think that i have a text or phone call. alas, i don't. * sigh * no one loves me. <~~ damn, the angst has already started!