Revelations

No, not the final book of the Bible. But this summer has been both enlightening and confusing. The more I learn about myself, the less I really know who I am. I guess I am in a state of transition of sorts, which adds to the confusion.

This summer, more than any other time in my life, I felt that no one really had any expectations of who I am or what I should act like. I had no family nearby, no super close friends from home. It was just me and I could be whoever I wanted. Which led me to a series of questions. Am I happy with who I am now? What do I want to change about myself?

Conclusions:

- My relationship with God has drastically changed. I don't question the existence of God. But everything else regarding God just seems... pointless? When I go to church or read my Bible or pray, my heart's no longer in it. I have been doing it simply because it's what I've always done. God has done so much for me and I know that, but I feel I'm too busy and tired to really give up any of my time for Him. I'm not happy with my current relationship with Him, but I also wasn't happy with my old relationship with him.

- I think I am lazy, but in actuality I am a very hard worker. I have spent so much time in lab (which is where I am writing this post from) this summer. Why? Because research is the sole reason I am in Michigan. Meeting new people and traveling are nice side benefits, but I could have done that in Maryland. This same mentality exists during the school year. I spend so much time doing work for school and extracurriculars because it's the very reason I'm in school. A social life is a nice benefit, but not my primary purpose.

- I need to change things for

Can I rewind 2 days, back to when my only frustration came from my PCRs not working?

Irony

It's ironic that love is both the cause and the solution to a broken heart.

Things I want to say to you, but probably never will

What about a relationship do you think you aren't ready for?

I think you are ready, but maybe not ready for me.

Why didn't you tell me you were unhappy?

I deserved a chance to change, to try to make you happy.

You told me you would tell me when you were unhappy. Why did you break your promise?

Are you happy now? Do you think I'm happy now?

I'm sorry I pressured you into dating before you were ready. I'm sorry I was demanding and not appreciative enough. But I'm also angry. I'm angry you took the easy way out. I'm angry you never gave me the chance to explain, defend or change. I'm angry you assumed this relationship wasn't worth saving.

I'm angry with myself. I'm angry I cared too much. I'm angry I was willing to do anything. I'm angry I wasted my time. I'm angry I thought that this would have a different ending.

I tried to do things differently than I have in the past. I let you see me when I was broken, vulnerable and scared. I told you things that no one else knows about me. I went out of my comfort zone. I tried to be better, but I failed.

Why do you think this is better? Why do you think we can be friends when just hearing your name is too much for me to deal with?

Why did I mess this up?